Or the 10 reasons why I feel I may be the world’s worse mum…
Who tells you motherhood is all about free hugs, ponytails, pink unicorns and sharing caring loving moments, is the world’s worst lier or simply deceiving himself (and the entire planet). Where’s the reference to the longest loudest tantrums in the middle of the street or the steamy passion your neighbours have for your 6am wake up calls? That’s what I’d like to know.
Even though mothers’ pure intentions are to strive for perfection and excellence, you must understand that’s far from happening once rapidly taking shape tiny personalities discover endless tricks of how to test their parents’ patience, sanity and boundaries. Yet sometimes it seems so freaking hard just to keep them alive or not to fall asleep during a group story telling, because we all know mums are the only ones having to wake up at night and put a sore nipple in a hungry tiny mouth (then repeat the process ten times around the clock).
Here’s those 10 moments when my pure guilt strikes, still because sometimes I’m simply too tired to do much about it, feeling like the worst mother now doesn’t seem to be the end of the world anymore…Although one thing I know: my motherhoody approach must be slightly better than the ’50s coke & smoke ‘cool’ parenting you read about…:)
Nota bene: the following situations do not happen on a daily basis (I tend to believe I’m not THAT bad) yet it seems often enough as I gathered good material for a 10 bullet point article. What I truly hope is that I won’t get to be judged before you, mums think of your own moments of guilt…Be prepared for some crying repetition…
1. He sometimes cries. What does mother (aka myself) do? She does nothing.
Oh God, how I used to criticise (even though not quite out loud) and mock mothers with sobbing shouting toddlers asking myself how on earth were they able to let them cry their heart out while they seemed to be staring into the void completely distracted and so not hearing their tiny versions…Well, now I got my own bundle of joy, the universe’ s best kept secret seems to make more sense: babies cry all the time with or without a good reason and sometimes doing nothing feels pretty darn good as you know this may be the only solution left in your pocket of magic tricks.
2. He cries again. What does mother do? She laughs.
Especially on those crying blackmailing moments where no tears roll down the rosy cheek but a quick look and funny face expressions to see if your attention has been distracted. So, why wouldn’t you just give up, tiny human, I’m a smarter sophisticated and intuitive adult, been there and done that too myself!
3. He gets pretty serious about crying. What does mother do? She takes the camera out, of course.
Well, I discovered I’m not the only ‘bad mother’ doing this, but others like the Asshole Parents (by the way, you rock, guys!) have been pretty much exploring every single tantrum and crying reason there is by taking pictures of their own children and sharing them with the world. I’m not too far from their mindset and I do too click under the staring eyes of frightened childless friends and laughing experienced parents…
4. He just landed on his bum. What does mother do? Hurries to grab the phone out of the purse.
I just love those puzzled faces of ‘what did just happen?’ everytime he stumbles or lands on him bum. Most of the time instead of giving a helping hand I try to reach faster to my phone and capture the moment. Why wouldn’t I take a little advantage of toddler’s drama which would definitely liven up my Instagram profile?
5. He tantrums. Oh yes, time to update social media platforms.
Because all mothers are going through the exact same things and often it brings a bit of comfort knowing I’m not the only one struggling with the approaching terrible twos. Talking about it on forums or uploading a fun snap of the upset baby can be pretty uplifting.
6. He wants to play. What does mother do? YouTubes Taylor Swift.Oh yes, I don’t know what’s the deal with this girl, but toddlers seem to be mesmerised by her. And yes, they stare, they dance, they keep repeating the same track, the blondie definitely hooked them up. And sometimes, when peekaboo and running around like a headless chicken becomes too exhausting for my tired feet, I YouTube her to save myself from collapsing on the floor.
7. Mother needs a cuppa. Wait, Taylor Swift again?
I’ll repeat myself here: oh yes, she’s the best last minute babysitter I ever had and she’s doing an amazing job! Well done, lovely, keeping the sprinting toddler far away from my hot cuppa…Keep that bad blood blank space thingy working out and I promise I’ll be responsible for another 10k views on your chanel.
8. Sweet tooth kicks in. What does mother do? Reaches for emergency chocolate and organic rice cakes. Yes, you can often find my head hidden under the kitchen cupboard stuffing my face to the biggest fattest chocolate bar (while thinking about last night’s half full bag of crisps hidden deep under the bed and how to get to it fast). But when being caught by surprise due to the toddler’s cat fine hearing, I always have a bag of Organix rice crisps ready to genuinely offer as sharing is never caring when it comes to my Haagen Dazs or Cadbury secret stash. Oh well, somehow this berries cool photo manages to decrease my guilt…
9. He talks. What does mother do? She listens (not!)
Once they discover properly their vocal cords, talking is pretty much a non stop business for the tiny humans. And yes, there is blabbing, there are endless questions and there’s a tired mum who at one point during the day finds answering and reacting too much of a difficult task…
10. Friends call, they want to hang out. What does mother do? Uses messy motherhood as an excuse to remain in her pjs.
Ups, hope they won’t read this as I’d be busted! But which mother can honestly tell me she has never used her child at least once to get out of meeting someone? Well, keeping your feet up by the TV set once in a blue moon while Miss Swift is keeping your child entertained and taking pictures of his/her clumsy dancing style doesn’t necessarily make you the worst mother in the world. It makes me feel like one, but hey, motherhood is all about imperfections too and don’t I just love them…
So, cool mums with witty bundles, it’s your turn now to spill the beans…
If thirsty for more creative fun ways to enjoy motherhood and its perks, follow Allmumstalk Facebook page or you can get lots of colourful ideas from my Instagram #allmumstalk (I’m such an Instagram junkie!). Cool mums tweet, so throw at me your tips if braver (#allmumstalkhere)! 😉
Motherhood can be beautifully challenging yet tough. Good news, we’re all in this together…
i can think of another 100 reasons :)))