When the baby’s not on board…


Oh, pregnancy…The glow, the kicks, the hope, the wonder…

Last month I announced my second bump on Instagram. Except that it wasn’t the second pregnancy..

A couple of months just before getting pregnant with the current bean, I went through the blues of a miscarriage that not only took me by surprise and kept me in bed for days, crying over the invisible loss, but came as a bonding wake up call. When I finally got the courage to open up about the sensitive subject, I learnt that even some of my closer friends experienced the cruel loss, or two, or even three at different stages in their pregnancies, mostly during the silent first trimester. It was a mix of overwhelming feelings trying us all when recalling every single detail of how it suddenly happened, recalling every unanswerable hows and whys. Yet one thing they hadn’t seem to lose was hope. The power of comforting a fellow mother who might have gone through the same loop is often greater than your partner’s desperate ways to fix the unfixable with endless cups of teas and Mr Kipling’s lemon cakes I didn’t touch. He was sweet; he was hurt, too. He was also worried we won’t easily get through this and it might have even been his fault somehow. An absurd thought maybe, but that’s what he confessed after weeks of encouragement he was trying to get us both through.

The dark days were upon both; missed friends’ weddings, ignored dining invitations, wouldn’t even take calls because there was always a mum, or sister, or well intended aunt checking on pregnancy updates. We weren’t ready to share the sad news because after one healthy full term pregnancy that turned into a chirpy toddler, we both shared the big news earlier with most. They all rapidly got caught in our excitement vibes and then all felt slightly uncomfortable and unable to help when eventually we got ready to undo the news out loud: ”maybe the next one will stick around’ we comforted ourselves…

Nonetheless months passed by and good luck knocked on our door again. We opened it and 22 weeks later we both feel less sad, although occasionally worries are building fast, but we both try to make the most of the new bean which seems to stick this time around. The ‘whys’ won’t leave the building soon, the ask Goggle ‘4 in 1 pregnancies are lost’ statistics are stuck to my brain, the stories of women around me remain unforgettable and some inspiring ones will give us continuous hope.

What have I learnt from experiencing a heart breaking invisible loss? Compassion. We are not alone in this. And the fact that we must not isolate while blaming ourselves for the inevitable. That we should not give up just to avoid greater pain in the future. That we are stronger than we think we are…That it’s ok to cry. But not alone.

Have you got a story to share or a tip to give a woman on dealing with miscarriage? Open up, it helps both ways…

Thank you Asos Maternity for the lovely dresses and Anna Pawleta Photography for another fun shoot at Kew Gardens during Orchids Festival.

Toddler’s in Tao & Friends and Willabeans shoes.



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